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My son - leukemia

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Eleni

New Member
Hi all,

I have finally decided to share my story. On May 14, 2009, my beautiful, incredible son died from leukemia after a year and a half battle. Jay was 11 yrs and 17 days old. Of course, I was crazy with grief. A month after Jay died, I was laying on my back on my bed sobbing, and still crazy with grief. (I can see how grief can kill a person). As I was laying there, in a matter of a split second or quicker, I received a "concept". I didn't hear any words or see any visions. I just "knew". And it happened quicker than anything I have experienced, though the memory is very clear and seems to last for much longer. All at the same time, I "knew" that Jay would come back to me, reincarnate, AND I felt sane for the first time. I felt warm, sane, peaceful, and normal. I instantly quit sobbing, and hopped up from my bed, knowing that, "Ya, Jay will reincarnate!" I had felt a large presence at the foot of my bed and to the left. This presence, I believe now, is some kind of Spiritual Master or equivilant. I think it was more masculine, but I could not sense a recognizable person, or feature. He was tall, too, about 7 ft. Does this make sense to anyone?

Well, anyway, I got up, feeling perfectly normal, and instantly sane and happy. I was able to go about normal life activities for the first time. What is weird about this is that I did NOT believe in reincarnation. I was a Christian and we all have just one life to live. Then, as the next day came and then others, I began to wonder about myself and the experience and doubt came in. Did what happen to me, really happen? I couldn't tell anyone... they would think I was really over the deep end...or the devil had gotten a hold of me... or something. But, my experience was an incredible one.

So, I began to search, and search. I had to know about reincarnation AND if it was even possible that a child would come back to the same mother in the mother's same lifetime. I had NEVER heard of such a thing. I ordered every book out of the library system in the state of Minnesota that I could find. The very first book I checked out was on unsolved mysteries. In this book was the story of John Pollock and his girls. This was only one story. And I needed more information, more understanding. I have read just about every book that is mentioned here on the site. I have also checked out books and movies regarding the spiritual realm (that are not really considered Christian). I have prayed and talked to Jay, and others on the Other Side.

I was able to hear Jay right away after he died, and have been able to communicate with him and others. I didn't realize that people can do this. I have been doing this since I was a child not knowing that it was really happening, or what was happening. I have felt quite crazy about this reincarnation thing. Although, now, I am very comfortable and feel as if this is what I have always believed. Ok, so, I keep searching for other stories of children returning to their mothers. There was the one in Carol's book, John Pollock, but I couldn't find any others. I kept searching over the internet. Then, I found Wendy, but not on this website. I didn't know how to get a hold of her. I prayed that God would take care of her: she had a question placed to a pastor about her son returning. The pastor gave her a pat answer and was not very compassionate. She wanted to know if her son could return to her. Then a few months later, I found her on here! And I found Jesse's story! Jesse's story sounds very similar to mine in that the boys communicate with their mother. I didn't know of anybody else that that happened to.

So, now I have unloaded. I know this is a long story already and it isn't even half of it. I just need to connect with other people who believe in reincarnation, and just drop off my "secret". I have been reading the forum for many months, feeling comforted, yet isolated. And feeling very crazy about this message I got from this Spirit that I am not familiar with very well (in my conscious memory). It is so easy for me to talk to just about anyone on the Other Side... I wonder if I am a little weird, or crazy, or do I just imagine it, or do I live on another plane? Inside, I know the truth. But, I guess the human part of me needs to connect with others in this world.

The grief I still feel for Jay is incredible and overwhelming. It is just recently become that way. It is almost as if he just died. I can still hear him. I just need to unload...write it all down, send it out there to other people, anyone, I don't care. I don't want to keep it a secret any longer. Only Wendy, my husband, and 16 yr.old daughter know. (they are all fairly spiritual like me, especially my daughter). (Oh, and Toby, the 3 yr old, has told me on many occasions that Jay is coming back, or that Jay taught him this or that.) Ok, I am done...for now.
 
Hi Eleni, welcome.


I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your son, and I'm glad that you feel that you can come here and share your grief, and find some comfort in the experiences of others. There can't be any greater pain to endure than the loss of a loved one, especially for a mother to lose her child. Although it may be difficult for you to understand or accept, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. When a child dies, many people may ask "why would a loving God take the life of an innocent child away from his or her parent?" Nobody has ever found a satisfactory answer to this question, but when you look at it from a reincarnation perspective, and why we reincarnate, then the answer becomes a lot clearer.


Why do we reincarnate? why do souls reincarnate together lifetime after lifetime? We teach each other, we learn from each other. To become whole, we have to experience the full scale of emotions, and grief is a part of that. I believe that your loss is something that every single one of us has had to, or will have to experience at some point in our soul's journey, unfortunately for you, the time is now. But you will grow from this experience, you will become stronger, and one day you may find that you'll be in a position to help others who are in a similar situation to that which you find yourself in now.... with the compassion that you have learned in this lifetime.


Right now, you are only temporarily seperated from your son by a veil between the physical and the non physical, but you are still connected, and one way or another, you will see your son's soul again. You've already read Wendy's amazing experience, I hope that her story, and other threads in this forum, give you something to hold on to, threads like this one: Moving Through Grief


I hope this helps Eleni, I do find it difficult to find the right words to say to people in your situation, but at the same time, I can't just stand back and watch people suffer alone ......you're not alone here hug2.gif


Chris
 
To Eleni:


My condolences on the passing of your Son, I can only imagine that the passing of a child is one of the hardest things to experience in one's lifetime.


Rest assured that even though they are gone in body from your life, they are NOT gone in Spirit, they just exist now in a dimension that you cannot see here on Earth.


We are eternal spirits in a temporary body and Earth is NOT our home, but rather when we are in Spirit, we are in our true home, and we shall return there some day.


A lifetime spent on Earth is just a drop in the bucket in the vastness of eternity.


IMHO, Reincarnation is an age old belief that meshes perfectly with the beliefs of Christians, because it was part of their beliefs until roughly, the year 553 AD, when it was removed by Church officials for various reasons.


Being in a body has been likened to being in a large room full of people and filled with a dense fog, no one can see clearly anyone, and your vision (and other senses) are restricted terribly, as you reel around and bump into each other.


Until that one glorious day, when we are called to our true home and at last a door opens up, and we step through it's portal, away from the fog, and our blindness is cast aside.


I can only hope that these words of comfort will bring you faith and strength.


You are not alone in your grief, you are amongst friends in this Forum who embrace and live the concept of Reincarnation, please feel free at anytime to write and ask questions, and we will try and answer them.
 
Eleni,


My deepest condolences on the loss of your beautiful son. Losing a loved one is never easy; losing a child is a grief beyond comprehension. My heart breaks over your pain and anguish.


I understand how grief changes with time. How some days are better than others - and how when you think you're finally functioning again, it all comes washing back over you. There is no timeline on grief - and everyone grieves differently. It's okay to feel however you're feeling in any given moment. If you haven't read it already, I would highly recommend reading On Children and Death by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. It's a wonderful book for parents coping with the grieving process.


It's wonderful that you have a good support system within your family, and I do understand the need to speak with other like-minded people. We're all here when you want to talk about Jay.


With a hug,


Aili
 
Hi Eleni!


When it comes to loss of a loved one, I can only refer to my own experience, and I hope you'll forgive me for referring to this experience as my way of expressing compassion and hope for you.


I lived with a mother, who lost more than one child; and I lost her at about the same time as I lost all of my friends to a war in southeast Asia. I never lost a child, myself, but my sons have lost numerous close friends, many of whom were almost like sons to me. They were vibrant teenagers and young men, who were killed by a variety of ways including accident, drugs and even murder.


Death has been a constant shroud during most of my life and I have searched everywhere for some kind of understanding, not only for myself, but for all those around me who've suffered from grievous loss. I've witnessed the hurtful things that well-meaning people have done to them, and I've cursed God, the Church and our society for all the pain they've unwittingly caused.


To come to the point; all that has truly helped to any degree have been the books that have been written by such inspired authors as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross as Ailish has recommended, along with others recommended in the Books and Resources section of this site.


But, in spite of all the good books available, I have had to constantly keep reading and re-reading them in order to counter the doubt that constantly invades my own mind. Our culture is so deeply influenced by a one-life-per-customer mentality, which pervades even our Religion to such a degree that even the concept of an afterlife is left without substance. Our science, our industry and even our sense of compassion is dulled and left wanting, so much so, that we have to create for ourselves some little niche in which we may find some reasonable hope.


That niche is here. You have indicated that you have already discovered the list of recommended books and have imbibed most of them, which is very much to your credit. Don't stop! Keep reading, and re-reading. Keep asking questions, and when you see a question on this Forum, try answering it. You may already know that doing so has an subtle way of maintaining interest and learning more than one would ever have thought.


As Hydrolad said, you are not alone!
 
Thank You


Thank you so much for your compassion and understanding, and openness. It's wonderful! Maybe, I can find help, information, and direction here.


I haven't written on here because of superstition. That sounds funny to me. I wanted the "announcement" of the Spirit to come true. I also, didn't want to seem presumptuous. And I didn't want to be judged. (I've had a lot of that). As a child, I had many premonitions or predictions, that would come true. (That kind of freaks some people out) I thought that if I told someone, the premonition wouldn't come true. There doesn't seem to be any kind of pattern of keeping things to myself or sharing them. But, I wanted my son back so much that I was not going to risk it. Even though I know in my head the truth, my heart clings to its ideas.


I struggle with the spiritual part. I have had the ability to hear Others from the Other Side all my life. I just didn't know that was what was happening. I have heard things, seen things, felt things, predicted things, "read" people... I knew that I was different than others. I just didn't know why, or exactly how. I marked it up to "inspiration". I always asked the question, "Why can't they see?". I asked it out of confusion, exasperation, frustration... And this "gift" has gotten me into trouble. I got kicked out of a spiritual direction program because I wouldn't back down on what I "saw". I couldn't understand that I was seeing what others there couldn't. It still blows my mind.


Since Jay died this "gift" has gotten ten times stronger. OR I have just opened up more due to my research. I am not sure. It started before I began my research. Three weeks before Jay died I began to very clearly hear an angel speak, and sing to me. (This all comes as thoughts in my head, that are not mine) The angel would tell me what I would need to do for my son, sing songs of encouragement to me, and even told me I would see Jay's grandchildren. So, I believed that Jay would live. Since Jay has died, my family and I have received tons of communication/signs from Jay, and about him.


I am not sure where to start. I would love to share about some of the incredible things that have happened with Jay. I guess what bothers me the most is this communication regarding Jay's return. I am not sure what bothers me about it. I feel that I live in two different worlds. Who in my physical world can I share about reincarnation, spirit communication, and such? Well, now there is you all. It feels as if I have been holding my breath for a long time, and I have let it go. I can breathe.
 
Eleni said:
I would love to share about some of the incredible things that have happened with Jay. I guess what bothers me the most is this communication regarding Jay's return. I am not sure what bothers me about it. I feel that I live in two different worlds. Who in my physical world can I share about reincarnation, spirit communication, and such? Well, now there is you all. It feels as if I have been holding my breath for a long time, and I have let it go. I can breathe.
Click to expand...
Please do share Eleni, nobody will judge you here, and you might find that it helps to share and get things out in the open :)
 
Hi Eleni,


I am so glad that you have found this wonderful forum filled with caring people who listen, understand and don't judge.


By allowing yourself to tell others what you are feeling, and what messages you are receiving about Jay is the best way to not only allow yourself to greive for your beautiful son, but also for you to ask questions and find answers. Like you I lost my son as you know, and received many signs after his passing. I wrote them down briefly on this forum and I received answers and support from people here, which I never would have thought of myself. Also like you, I didn't have many people to talk to who believe, and have done a lot of research on these subjects, and can understand my feelings, and the strange, but wonderful signs I was and still are receiving. So please, don't be afraid to write down your signs you have received, as there may just be some one here who can explain them to you, in a way in which you may never have thought of, as you are too close to the grief - like I am.


In the meantime I hope that all the messages and signs you are receiving give you strength and hope, and that one day all your prayers and questions will be answered.


My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and with Jay! :angel:
 
I have been thinking about what bothers me... The first question that comes to my mind is "Why?" I can understand that Jay would die. I can even accept that. This is something that happens to everybody regardless of age, race, creed, etc.... I can understand, and believe that reincarnation exists, is natural, and happens regardless of age, race, creed, etc.... But, when I was walking with Jay through his cancer battle, I always had the feeling that he would make it through the treatment, and survive. I even had an angel walking with me, (as I mentioned before), that said I would see Jay's children/grandchildren. So, then, Jay died. I got the visit from the spirit telling me that Jay would come back through reincarnation, to me. Even now, today, I still feel like Jay was supposed to live. He wasn't supposed to die. My dad died 11 months before Jay did. I feel at peace with his death, and know that it was his time to go. There have ben others that I know that have passed away and feel the same way: knowing it was their time.


Supposedly, we make plans before we are born which includes what our death will be. Can those plans be altered? Can those plans have different paths and endings? Can someone's life be cut short here which was not part of the plan? Are there darkened spirits out there out to cut off the work of enlightened souls? and even cut short their life on earth?


I can see that the "plan" could entail death and reincarnation to learn about the spirit/soul journey. It is just that I am baffled by the sense that Jay was not supposed to die. This feeling does not seem tied to the reincarnation message that I was given. I have also had visits by a dark spirit since Jay was two years old that began with a dream about fighting with a man trying to abduct me from my house. We fought with a gun. The gun shot. The bullet went through the wall and killed Jay. From that dream until today I would get visits from this dark spirit. At first, the visits were evey few days. Then, I got a dog to help me differentiate between what was real and just a dream. Then, the visits stopped for years until two months before Jay died. That was the first time I felt it touch me. After Jay died, the dark figure, as I call it, still comes. I haven't seen it for several months until about 3 weeks ago. That time, I felt its hands on my neck or shoulders; I opened my eyes and saw it. It is always dark. It is so dark you can see it in the pitch black darkness of night. My husband has also seen it, which seems weird to me that he can. I always get the feeling of terror even before I wake up.


Is the dark figure somehow related to Jay's death? What is the dark figure? Is it a thought projection? Why can I feel it touch me? Is it related to karma? Can it prevent Jay from coming back? Can it or any other spirit hinder another spirit's journey, path, life?


Ok, I think I have put enough questions out there. These swirl around my head constantly.


Thank you everybody for your kind and loving support.
 
Hi elini,


I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your story has touched me deeply as I am sure it has others reading along. You stated the following and I want to comment a little.

Supposedly, we make plans before we are born which includes what our death will be. Can those plans be altered? Can those plans have different paths and endings? Can someone's life be cut short here which was not part of the plan? Are there darkened spirits out there out to cut off the work of
enlightened souls? and even cut short their life on earth?
Click to expand...
Accidents happen, not all things are planned out and the acts and actions of others can alter the outcome of a life. About dark spirits.....Remember...energy is drawn to energy it resonates with. If you are fearful, feel vulnerable or unprotected then you might experience what you call dark spirits.


Separate what happened to your son, from the spirit experiences. Surround yourself, your family and Jay with with light and love. If needed, get a blue light and put it in your room at night. I have heard it has great healing and protective potential.


Tomorrow I will look up a few things and post for you that might be helpful.


With love...and Light....
 
Thanks Deborah! I hear what you are saying, but it doesn't seem to match up with my experiences...yet. We take protective, prayerful measures each night. We smudge/smoke our home with incense frequently, and also use smokeless sage, and holy water (just to clear the house of negative energy and to promote healing and enlightenment). The visits do not seem to have a pattern, or trigger. I have often wondered if I was somehow replaying a traumatic past life experience or something (like a video recording). But, then, my husband has been able to see "it". So, that didn't seem to make sense. I have wondered if it was someone from the Other Side...but, then I think about the energy attracted to like energy. What kind of energy am I producing that allows? calls? this dark figure? My husband must be producing this energy too, because he has seen it, also. But, could it be a thought projection produced by strong energy of a living person? (I have wondered if it was attached to my ex, who is a dark, dangerous person).


I can't seem to even find a path to follow regarding enlightenment about this issue. There was a change this last visit: two days before the visit I had a "feeling" about it and thoughts of it came to mind. So, I prayed for the dark figure, for it to be surrounded by Light and Love and to be filled with Light and Love. This was the first time I did that. I figured that if it is dark, it needs enlightenment.


The negative energy that I may be producing to attract it (as I am sitting here thinking about it) is the guilt I feel regarding the death of my son. Since the dream I had of him dying, I feared that he would die. I thought his bio. father would be the cause. But, did my fear bring it on? Or was I just sensing something that was in the plan from the beginning? Did my fear of him dying while going through treatment blind me to other options that could have saved his life? Or would it have mattered if it had been planned from the beginning? The guilt that I have about my son's death nearly kills me. I have gone through this over and over: absolved myself, then feel guilty...because I just don't know for sure about all of this.


Another question I have: Can someone "wish" somebody to death? (if they focused with great energy on the wish that a particular person die, would it happen?) I don't think so, but is anything possible?


These are questions that float around our home amonst us, and have not been able to find answers to. My husband has said that maybe Jay cannot come back until my guilt is released. To me, all of this seems like a big, sticky knot of string.
 
Hi Eleni


Guilt is a very common feeling among parents who lose a child. Obviously, it is a parents duty to raise and protect their children, so it's only natural that when something happens to the child, either through illness or injury, the parents are going to question themselves and forever ask themselves what they could have done to prevent such a tragedy from happening.


Sometimes, unfortunately, there is nothing that anyone can do to prevent these things. Accidents happen, illness happens, things that we can't always foresee. Even though you yourself may be looking for signs that you should have foreseen what happened to Jay, and that maybe you could have prevented it, or taken alternative action that would have seen him cured, chances are, the outcome would have been the same. It's easy for one to punish one's self thinking for example: "If only I had moved that bucket out of the way, Johnny wouldn't have tripped over it and cut his head open!", but if you HAD moved the bucket, yes, Johnny wouldn't have tripped over, but then he might go on to step outside and be knocked over by a car! Do you see what I'm getting at? We follow a path to our destiny, and I don't believe that anyone can do anything to change that. So your guilt has no foundation. You are too close to the situation to see that nobody would blame YOU for Jay's passing, and I think that allowing yourself to let go of this guilt is the first step on the road to your healing. I know it's easy for me to say, but it is something you need to work on, one step at a time :)


Deborah has given you some great links, I hope that you find them helpful.


Chris hug2.gif
 
I just got done reading the thread about guilt. Very good! Very Enlightening!


Right after Jay died, I found Carol Bowman's books and devoured them. Right after I read them I had, I think, a past life memory. I was laying on my bed, kind of half awake, half asleep. It was like I was dreaming in hypnosis, deeper than daydreaming. I was some type of Native American Warrior. I was bare-chested, fit, wearing leather pants tucked into leather knee-high moccasins. I had longish black hair. I was a very proud man. I had a lot of pride in my village/tribe. I also carried a tomahawk type thing and used it in battle. In battle, I did not act out of anger and held no grudge. Battle was just a way of life. I battled out of pride for my tribe. I remember walking through the village. I could feel the sense of happiness and pride and love for the people, even the children. I remember sitting at the feet of the Medicine/Spiritual Man. I remember that I adored and loved this man more than any other in my life. The Medicine Man could say or do no wrong in my eyes. The bond that I feel with this Medicine Man is very strong.


Fast forward to another scene where the proud Indian is old, with gray hair in braids of some kind, wrapped in colorful blankets, sitting. The old Indian is the same as the young one, except the old one has great, great sorrow. Through the great sorrow the old Indian gained wisdom, and compassion, and the willingness to listen to others. I did get the impression that the younger version of the Indian would not listen due to his pride. He would listen to the Medicine Man, but had so much pride in the security of the village, and himself....Something terrible, terrible happened that caused this older version Indian great sorrow. The Indian was not the same after the terrible incident. I get the feeling that the Indian did something to lose someone close to him. Did he lose his wife? The Medicine Man??? I don't know.


BUT, as I was reading the thread on guilt, I realized that the memory of that Indian life, the feeling of sorrow, and GUILT, was the same as I feel now about Jay. And the bond and love that I had with the Medicine Man is the SAME as I feel for Jay!! I would not be surprised that Jay was the Medicine Man. My daughter, Jay's older sister, looks like very much like a Native American, though NOBODY looks like her. She has dark skin, the only one in our family, black hair. When she was born, I thought she looked like a little Indian baby, and I told others this too. I felt that when I had this memory she was somehow in that life too, but I don't know who she was. She and Jay fought like CATS AND DOGS, even until his last birthday, 17 days before he died. She was very jealous of him and thought that I loved him more than her. She now feels incredible guilt about how she treated him. I think this is somehow tied to this past life memory. Somehow, I think we are replaying something from that life. Could this be??? My curiousity is PEAKED!


Also, the other thread mentions guilt as somehow affecting our physical bodies. Since Jay died, I have had two miscarriages. Due to guilt? (I carry guilt as a mother?) Also, the weird thing about these miscarriages is that I ended up in the clinic on January 27th a year apart. Jay was born on April 27th, diagnosed on Dec. 27th, and both of his fathers: bio. and step, were born on the 27th of their birth month. The number 27 keeps repeating. I don't know how this all ties in. But, I really think that this guilt I have is carried over from the Indian past life.
 
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