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Shades of Blue & Gray (American Civil War)

AlteSeele, I'm sorry for not greeting you after your earlier posts I was having computer problems and relying on my phone. You do not reveal much in your profile and you have posted only short messages; I'm curious as to what brought you here and if you have a longer "testimony" that you have written somewhere - welcome to the forum!
 
I was not really exposed to any of this growing up in ol Blighty, it’s all new to me. Same with Vietnam, though. What surprised me is how I seemed to intuitively know things. Just like Vietnam I really don’t want to know about the Civil War if I can help it.

From what I’ve seen in dreams and various memories through the years I’ve been involved in all major battles that shaped America: the Revolutionary War, Civil War, then Vietnam.

My soul is connected to that land, yet here I am. This life I’ve a severe case of displacement in more ways than one. Confused doesn’t touch it.
 
Hi Landsend,

I've seen the gender swing thing in other cases following the traumatic deaths of soldiers--an archetypal "male" way to die. It sounds like the national swing is related in the same way to being an American. This is especially true as you didn't just get killed by the enemy because you were an American soldier; you got betrayed as an American soldier and patriot by your own country and countrymen.

Based on this, I'm not surprised that you would choose to take a break from the U.S.A. as well as a break from being male. However, it sounds like this alternative also grates and is difficult to get used to. I'm thinking you may opt again for the "male" side of things next time around. Are you thinking that you might make the decision to give the U.S. another try next time around. . . . if it is still around?

Cordially,
S&S
 
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SeaAndSky said:
Hi Landsend,

I've seen the gender swing thing in other cases following the traumatic deaths of soldiers--an archetypal "male" way to die. It sounds like the national swing is related in the same way to being an American. This is especially true as you didn't just get killed by the enemy because you were an American soldier; you got betrayed as an American soldier and patriot by your own country and countrymen.

Based on this, I'm not surprised that you would choose to take a break from the U.S.A. as well as a break from being male. However, it sounds like this alternative also grates and is difficult to get used to. I'm thinking you may opt again for the "male" side of things next time around. Are you thinking that you might make the decision to give the U.S. another try next time around. . . . if it is still around?

Cordially,
S&S
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The big realisation of my life (as in, freight train hit me and dragged me along for some miles), was that nothing changed apart from my bio gender, as in, was born male in my brain. Did my past self(selves?) have anything to do with it? Perhaps. My mom knew I was a boy when she was carrying me, and knew it when I was born, too, despite the docs and my body telling her I was not. Wasn't wishful thinking, either. She told me she wished me to be a girl.

So in some ways that choice, the choice to be me is here with me right now. Medical advancement and growing social acceptance means I can take hormones or surgery to do that.

I'm nomadic by nature so don't think I'll stick in England till the end of my days. Where will I go next? Not sure. Have lived in Spain. Am here for family. Anything is possible.

I've seen glimpses of a future life that seems to be on/near the East coast of what we currently know as North America. Didn't seem too far in the future. How much can one take this as gospel though? I see it as a strong potential of a future life, and yup, you guessed it, was biologically male (at least I think I was), and was serving once again in some military branch. Did not see much beyond that, apart from being pretty happy and having a good upbringing with a strong father figure in my life.

Without going to further off topic, just want to close this by saying you made some valid points there. I've been carrying a huge gaping wound around with me for a very, very long time, and innately knew, around the age I found about my gender (about five years old), that this gaping wound had to be put in a box for 'another day'. Cannot even describe in words what that wound is. It is sheer pain, and hurt, and my soul needed to heal. Guess this life is what I needed to do that.

Or maybe I'm a fugitive, hiding out here till it washes over me. Think it's probably both things.
 
Hi Landsend,

If you're a fugitive, you're not one anyone is chasing at this point. That is all done. Mostly I think you have been a fugitive from hurt and your own memories. Probably mostly from the knowledge of what those guys did to you when you should have been at home safe in your own country. Someday I hope all of that stuff will be out in the open. In the meantime, . . . a life away from that kind of action for healing.

However, it leaves a lot for you to decide in the present. I can't advise one way or another on the type of change you are contemplating, and that is not from lack of understanding on my part. It's just too hard of a decision, and too personal a decision. Plus, too many other people to think about once you get a few years behind you. Only you can weigh it all and decide.

Anyhow, I'm glad that the good ol' U.S. of A. is still around in the time you mention. Despite the constant drumbeat of hate, I'm still a big fan of my native land. Actually, I wish the same to everyone.

Cordially,
S&S
 
landsend said:
I was not really exposed to any of this growing up in ol Blighty, it’s all new to me. Same with Vietnam, though. What surprised me is how I seemed to intuitively know things. Just like Vietnam I really don’t want to know about the Civil War if I can help it.
Click to expand...

In New Zealand where I grew up, the emphasis was heavily placed on the ‘Anzacs’ and their exploits in war. It was all rather boring for me, and somehow I ‘knew’ there was more to WWII than just the Anzacs.

Just like you, it surprised me how I intuitively knew these things too. Do you think that your fear of knowing more about either war is because you don’t wish to confront the rawness and hurt from these times? In order to heal, first one must confront all the uncomfortable feelings in order to feel better.

I hope you do find the courage one day to face these wars. It’s tough and sometimes down right hurts but isn’t that why we seek out these forums?

Eva x
 
Martin Luger said:
I have a friend who had a very vivid dream of being a Conferderate soldier. He had lost his whole platoon and snuck out of the battle only to hold up in the loft of a barn, crying in fear and saddness at the lost of all his friends.
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Was he involved in the Battle of Gettysburg Martin? I was doing some further research and finished watching 'Gettysburg' and noticed that Pickett's division was wiped out. Probably might explain further more my depression over how I had lost not only my brother, but my friends too. I have this feeling that perhaps some nights I sat in my 'drinking chair' near the fire thinking about the war too. Not to sure how or why I feel this, but it is something I can see myself doing.

From those 'post war' memories I saw, I looked older than what I saw myself at Gettysburg. Also that I walked with a cane/walking stick, as well as having the chest injuries reminder. what made this interesting is that I kept seeing a woman, and I had the very strong feeling that she was my frustrated wife. I don't feel I lived past the 1870's or even the very early 1880's.

Eva x
 
Eva1942 said:
In New Zealand where I grew up, the emphasis was heavily placed on the ‘Anzacs’ and their exploits in war. It was all rather boring for me, and somehow I ‘knew’ there was more to WWII than just the Anzacs.

Just like you, it surprised me how I intuitively knew these things too. Do you think that your fear of knowing more about either war is because you don’t wish to confront the rawness and hurt from these times? In order to heal, first one must confront all the uncomfortable feelings in order to feel better.

I hope you do find the courage one day to face these wars. It’s tough and sometimes down right hurts but isn’t that why we seek out these forums?

Eva x
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I am facing Vietnam, and that, let me tell you, is as Ugly as it gets. Took me twenty-six years to face it, and it's going on my third year of 'discovery'. It's just that I don't want to open to my memories of the Civil War right now if I can help it. Every now and then it crops up. But from what I know of that life, I died an old man after the war, and tended to my strawberries in the fields. As of yet do not remember my death, but have an inclination it was a peaceful death, and I had made some peace. It makes a huge difference to do that. It's like closing a chapter on a life before moving to the next. Whatever we leave unresolved gets stuck in some way or form. Hence why when folk feel they are gonna pass on, we have this natural, instinctual urge to settle matters.
 
SeaAndSky said:
Hi Landsend,

If you're a fugitive, you're not one anyone is chasing at this point. That is all done. Mostly I think you have been a fugitive from hurt and your own memories. Probably mostly from the knowledge of what those guys did to you when you should have been at home safe in your own country. Someday I hope all of that stuff will be out in the open. In the meantime, . . . a life away from that kind of action for healing.

However, it leaves a lot for you to decide in the present. I can't advise one way or another on the type of change you are contemplating, and that is not from lack of understanding on my part. It's just too hard of a decision, and too personal a decision. Plus, too many other people to think about once you get a few years behind you. Only you can weigh it all and decide.

Anyhow, I'm glad that the good ol' U.S. of A. is still around in the time you mention. Despite the constant drumbeat of hate, I'm still a big fan of my native land. Actually, I wish the same to everyone.

Cordially,
S&S
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I'm working on getting that stuff in the open, am actually investigating the best I can, using my memories as a guide. I'm due to update my thread here with what I'm working on at the moment. Pretty much wont be resolved till I know I've done the best I can to resolve some of what went on.

I get what you are saying. Am seeing a therapist weekly to help me along and to assist in the thought process of the changes ahead. Also am in contact with many folk in my position from all different walks of life. There really doesn't seem to be an element of choice in this, despite spending a good deal of my life trying to convince myself that there is a choice. Unfortunately, can't change how my mind feels about myself. It's a fact about me. The choice is stay miserable, closeted and hidden, or be me. In fact can not stay closeted and hidden any more because those nearest and dearest to me already know. I'm out to myself, and just as when you discover your past lives are 'real' (as in you find undeniable proof), there's no putting a lid back on that info. You change whether you like it or not.

I've a feeling the USA is gonna be around some time yet, albeit with differences. But my overall feeling is that the world in general is a different world by then. For good in some respects. Perhaps worse in others.
 
Hi Landsend,

I hear you! That's the problem with the whole "journey of discovery" hype about past lives. The truth is, that for many people, you open up doors and you can't close them again. You wish you could when you find out what is there, but you can't. You can't go back to whatever you were before. However, for many of these same people, there was nothing they could have done--in the long run--to keep that door closed.

And, what you were before was never really as "solid" as you wanted it to be. It was always a house built on the sand, you keep trying to make it stay in place and build it higher--to be normal and ordinary and even very good in your role. But the tide just keeps rising and the waves come with it and keep washing it away. Sooner or later you have to deal with that door--even if you put it off for decades. I always knew there was something wrong. The door knob starts rattling when you think everything has calmed down, and you're unnerved again. "Something" is trying to get out. . . .

Well, that's just me, but I feel like I can hear the same thing coming from a variety of people. Sorry for the blast, but I think you know where I am coming from. Also, sorry for the mixed metaphors. Doors and sandcastles. Something rattling the door knob and the tide coming in. Oh well, they all say something about what it feels like--at least to me.

Cordially,
S&S

PS--I'm not surprised that things are different in the U.S. in what you foresaw. They were already very different in 1900 than they were in 1850 and very different in 1950 than they were in 1900. They are definitely different now than they were when I was growing up. Every 50 years brings a new America. I hope the changes are for the better. I know some of the ones I have seen in my lifetime have been. Not all.
 
I also have past life memories of the Civil War and Vietnam. The Vietnam ones were very easy to remember and explained particular traits of mine that were evident in my early childhood.

The first memory of the Civil War is of a dream I had of running across an open area and enemy artillery is where I'm running. I dove into this shallow ditch and I see my hands pushing up to continue but I have this strong negative reaction of complete exhaustion and I think "I'm not going through this again. I'm tired of this." Then I see my hands push the dream away, which is over the details of my soldier hands. It was quite an odd experience.

I have a friend who is really good at getting you to recall the answers. So I told her that twice my subconscious tried to get me to see this life both times dropping me into the middle of a raging battle and I won't look at it. I just push it away. I also tried to recall happier times and got two little glimmers. I'm sitting at a campfire on the most perfect fall day, like how blue September 11th was, and the second is I see my older brother with the green hills of Virginia behind him. I'm proud of him and even though I'm younger I feel like his older brother (more mature). I know I'm Virginia Infantry.

So she asked me my name and I couldn't remember so she asked me several times and then said on the count of 3 just say the first name that comes into my head. So I say Junius. She asked me about my brother's name I can't quite recall and I said K. So she suggested names like Kyle, Kent. I said it is a last name thinking it is my brother's name.

I then went to the National Park's Soldiers and Sailors database and put in Virginia Infantry and the name Junius and find 77 soldiers. So I started to read them and I only had odd feelings for two soldiers named Junius Coleman and this other one who I didn't think was me but I was curious if he was a member of the family who was descended from one of Jefferson's daughters.

So I went back and looked at the two records and he served in two units. I picked myself out of the list. It occurred to me that the K is a C for Coleman. Except for switching genders, we have a lot of similiarities we are both from the same Virginia county, my current work rhymes with his work, the way he moved across Virginia and the final thing, if I had a daughter, I wanted to name her Anne after Anne Boleyn and his first child was named Anna Boleyn Coleman. So I guess I'm working something out from then and I'm exhausted by this.
 
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Lumiere said:
I also have past life memories of the Civil War and Vietnam. The Vietnam ones were very easy to remember and explained particular traits of mine that were evident in my early childhood.

The first memory of the Civil War is of a dream I had of running across an open area and enemy artillery is where I'm running. I dove into this shallow ditch and I see my hands pushing up to continue but I have this strong negative reaction of complete exhaustion and I think "I'm not going through this again. I'm tired of this." Then I see my hands push the dream away, which is over the details of my soldier hands. It was quite an odd experience.

I have a friend who is really good at getting you to recall the answers. So I told her that twice my subconscious tried to get me to see this life both times dropping me into the middle of a raging battle and I won't look at it. I just push it away. I also tried to recall happier times and got two little glimmers. I'm sitting at a campfire on the most perfect fall day, like how blue September 11th was, and the second is I see my older brother with the green hills of Virginia behind him. I'm proud of him and even though I'm younger I feel like his older brother (more mature). I know I'm Virginia Infantry.

So she asked me my name and I couldn't remember so she asked me several times and then said on the count of 3 just say the first name that comes into my head. So I say Junius. She asked me about my brother's name I can't quite recall and I said K. So she suggested names like Kyle, Kent. I said it is a last name thinking it is my brother's name.

I then went to the National Park's Soldiers and Sailors database and put in Virginia Infantry and the name Junius and find 77 soldiers. So I started to read them and I only had odd feelings for two soldiers named Junius Coleman and this other one who I didn't think was me but I was curious if he was a member of the family who was descended from one of Jefferson's daughters.

So I went back and looked at the two records and he served in two units. I picked myself out of the list. It occurred to me that the K is a C for Coleman. Except for switching genders, we have a lot of similiarities we are both from the same Virginia county, my current work rhymes with his work, the way he moved across Virginia and the final thing, if I had a daughter, I wanted to name her Anne after Anne Boleyn and his first child was named Anna Boleyn Coleman. So I guess I'm working something out from then and I'm exhausted by this.
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Some pretty amazing confirmations you have there. What I've found with my own past life memories is that actually they aren't all that deeply buried and I surprise myself at how easy it is to access that information, much the same as thinking of past details from this life at times.

It's also good to see so many come forward with memories of the Civil War. Did not expect that.

Civil Wars are such bitter affairs. Having lived in Spain, have seen the after effects there of the fairly recent conflict. The generation after remembers the starvation and the times that ensured. You don't know starvation until you've boiled a leather belt for a bit of sustenance...

Hope you don't mind Lumiere but am going to PM RE: memories of Vietnam.

Cheers,
Landsend
 
Lumiere said:
I also have past life memories of the Civil War...

....The first memory of the Civil War is of a dream I had of running across an open area and enemy artillery is where I'm running. I dove into this shallow ditch and I see my hands pushing up to continue but I have this strong negative reaction of complete exhaustion and I think "I'm not going through this again. I'm tired of this." Then I see my hands push the dream away, which is over the details of my soldier hands. It was quite an odd experience.
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I have memories of the Battle of Gettysburg. Were you at Gettysburg by any chance?

Like you, I have this feeling that the way I was survived was keeping my head down and keeping still. Also remember we had not much to eat..

the second is I see my older brother with the green hills of Virginia behind him. I'm proud of him and even though I'm younger I feel like his older brother (more mature). I know I'm Virginia Infantry.
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Remember the Gettysburg battle cry of Gen. Armistead “for Virginia!”

I had my brother at Gettysburg too, but I only have one memory of him being with me and that was one of the times I was injured.. so if he came to see me or we were seperate I don’t know..

But then again.. you could be talking about a different part of the Civil War and not Gettysburg.. ( if you are I am truly sorry for diverting :oops: :rolleyes:)

Eva x
 
I never thought I was at Gettysburg but at Gettysburg and Shiloh there are places on the battlefield where it seems to have a memory.

Sharpsburg is the one that stands out to me. I've never gone but I'm going to. I think the field there is the one I push away. I actually retold the story of A. P. Hill's march to describe a tactic we were using and I got choked up when I talked about the relief of seeing the buzzards come over and knowing that meant help had arrived. I had to quickly stop talking but fortunately that particular detail got the group talking. I had never read any thing like that it just occurred to me like a memory.

If you know where in a battle you were you can look up units and that might help you find more information.
 
Lumiere said:
Sharpsburg is the one that stands out to me. I've never gone but I'm going to. I think the field there is the one I push away. I actually retold the story of A. P. Hill's march to describe a tactic we were using and I got choked up when I talked about the relief of seeing the buzzards come over and knowing that meant help had arrived. I had to quickly stop talking but fortunately that particular detail got the group talking. I had never read any thing like that it just occurred to me like a memory.

If you know where in a battle you were you can look up units and that might help you find more information.
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Sharpsburg! I have been doing some research recently and Sharpsburg came up. Actually the entire state of Maryland came up. I found this in a article. Is any of this familiar?

"One of the bloodiest battles fought in the Civil war (and one of the most significant) was the Battle of Antietam, fought on September 17, 1862, near Sharpsburg, Maryland, in which Marylanders fought with distinction for both armies. The battle was the culmination of Robert E. Lee's Maryland Campaign, which aimed to take the war to the North. Lee's Army of Northern Virginia, consisting of about 40,000 men, had entered Maryland following their recent victory at Second Bull Run.”

When I was asked what stood out to me in that paragraph I replied: "Robert E. Lee's Maryland Campaign". Funny enough when I did some Battle of Gettysburg, Robert E. Lee also came up too. I had thought that perhaps I lived in Northern Virginia or North Carolina them Maryland popped up.

As to answering your question about where in the battle I could have been in, regarding Gettysburg, Pickett's division pricked my ears up, but I "feel" that Gettysburg wasn't my only battle. the Battles at Fredricksburg is ringing some bells but I have to see what units were there.

Eva x
 
Eva1942 said:
Sharpsburg! I have been doing some research recently and Sharpsburg came up. Actually the entire state of Maryland came up. I found this in a article. Is any of this familiar?

"One of the bloodiest battles fought in the Civil war (and one of the most significant) was the Battle of Antietam, fought on September 17, 1862, near Sharpsburg, Maryland, in which Marylanders fought with distinction for both armies. The battle was the culmination of Robert E. Lee's Maryland Campaign, which aimed to take the war to the North. Lee's Army of Northern Virginia, consisting of about 40,000 men, had entered Maryland following their recent victory at Second Bull Run.”

When I was asked what stood out to me in that paragraph I replied: "Robert E. Lee's Maryland Campaign". Funny enough when I did some Battle of Gettysburg, Robert E. Lee also came up too. I had thought that perhaps I lived in Northern Virginia or North Carolina them Maryland popped up.

As to answering your question about where in the battle I could have been in, regarding Gettysburg, Pickett's division pricked my ears up, but I "feel" that Gettysburg wasn't my only battle. the Battles at Fredricksburg is ringing some bells but I have to see what units were there.

Eva x
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Fredericksburg is a very interesting battle because it was the Union's Gettysburg. Except for one part of the battle the Union engaged in a frontal assault on fortified heights. Pillaging Fredericksburg prior to that assault enraged the Virginians and it ended up a very lopsided Confederate victory.

With Sharpsburg, the memory of the buzzards causing a feeling of absolute relief really fits Sharpsburg although it does not pinpoint a particular unit just a suggestion it was one of the trapped units. I was able to remember my name so I can follow the unit through its regimental history.

Since you have Pickett's Charge, that suggests Virginia but there were other states' units under other commanders who were involved in the infantry assault, North Carolina, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee. Do you have any other associations? Other than Lee, how do you feel about Longstreet or any other general. After Stonewall Jackson died a lot of his units were at Pickett's Charge.
 
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