A japanese boy

[rynen]

Koinoburi


I was just surfing the net lost in my thoughts when I caught sight of a koinoburi and I nearly fell from my chair.


I didn't knew how it was called and had forgotten about it until I saw it written under a picture. Indeed I suddenly was reminded of what I dreamt a few nights ago, yet I didn't remember anything until now when i saw this picture. You can find lots of these kind of pictures on the net or elsewhere.


In my dream I was looking up, admiring the carps ligned on a thread in the air, dancing in the wind. And I was particular drawn to the big (In my eyes) carp with blue coloured scales. I know there were other carps hanging there, a few to be precise, at least one hand distance from each other. Especially that blue one made me feel very comfortable about the whole thing, and it seemed as it was familiar and...dear?(At least when I noticed it online a warm feeling spread through me, and joy.).


So to explain what exactly is a koinobori are (koi:carp, nobori: maybe flag=> they say "carp banner"): "May 5, on Children’s Day in Japan, people put on carp shaped flags called Koinobori to their houses - the size of Koinobori varies from a few inches to several meters. Traditionally, it was a celebration for boy child, as Koi(carp) is associated with power for its strength to go up against stream. It used to be celebrated in honor of the sons and its hope that they will grow up healthy and strong."


Since I've found also this I tend to link this snippet of what's familiar to me to my past life as the little boy called Yasuo. "To see the history of Koinobori, in its original form, there was only a black carp to symbolize success of a warrior family. In mid-19th century, they started to hang black carp and red carp as a couple. In mid-20th century, it started to be considered as a symbol of a family. The colors of the carps have become varioius since then."


I feel goosembumps all over my arms just thinking about it.

 

[Nightrain]

Hi Rynen.


I've been reading your posts from the beginning, and found some of the past life memories of your death as a young boy to be sincerely empathic. In other words, I seem to be most empathetic to your story. It has also triggered some recent considerations regarding reincarnation and my own possible memories.


During all my years as an adult, I never gave much thought to childhood memories; especially memories of when I was 2 or 3. I always envied those who could remember as far back as the first two or three years, let alone past lifetimes. However, since coming aboard this Forum last October, I've been working at remembering anything possible. The memories have slowly been seeping back into my mind, but with a little confusion. Some of the memories have turned out to be slightly earlier than when I came to this life.


In the back of my mind, I suppose that I thought Detroit was just a little bit behind the rest of the country. But, while reviewing these memories over the phone with my older sister, she drew a complete blank about some of the things that I remembered. For some reason she didn't remember the old knife sharpener, who used to walk up and down the street, setting up his foot-powered grinding wheel whenever anyone needed their knives and scissors sharpened. She didn't remember the many horse-drawn wagons that used to amble up and down the street, selling produce and other goods. Then there was the ice man, who used to regularly deliver huge blocks of ice for our ice-box. I also remembered visiting what I called, the "furrier" (actually ferrier), where wagon drivers used to get their horses re-shod. I remembered that there was a musty smell of wet creosote and blue smoke everywhere in the old building across the street from Briggs Stadium (now Tiger Stadium).


Although I was born just after World War II, I was apparently remembering things as they were in Detroit before and during the war. I didn't realize this until a few days ago, when I shared these memories. My Father and Mother also seemed younger somehow. I had known for some time that their first son, Michael, was born early in 1941; and that he was 3 years old when he was killed by a car, while running out into the street after a ball. I knew that my Mother believed that I was Michael reincarnated four years later. I also remembered looking at pictures of Michael, thinking that they were pictures of me.


The possibility of this being the case is hard for me to reckon with; and I feel as though I could be hijacking his short life as my own. However, it would help to explain my extreme "respect" for balls of all sorts. It would also help to explain an almost habitual inclination for having things crash or blow up in my face. After considerable reading, I've come to believe that such things are possible for other people, and rebirth in the same family is not unusual in the U.S. and U.K. But, I don't know, if I'm ready to accept it as my own reincarnation.


If all this is true, however; it does give some hope to anyone who has lost a child.


-Nightrain

 

[rynen]

Korea


A higly unusual dream which, for me, seems to sumarize some of my past lives, well two of them. As always it is subjective because solely based on vivid feelings.


To shorten it: I see a black-eyed boy with spicky black hair, about 13. He's standing there, looking at me. And I'm running to him, crushing him in my arms. Two feelings taking over.


First a sense of deep loss but not directed at the boy. It is more like through him I'm able to grieve, not for him, for someone else I hold dear: "I can't bear to lose them. Not again." And I cry. It hurts. The image of my parents as Yasuo floating in front of me : " I want them again, I want them back!" And this feeling becoming stronger and stronger about to consumate me. At that moment I seem to only exist for the both of them, for this past which appears to reach with its memories through time to always find me no matter how hard I try to forget...


Then, while still holding on to the boy, I feel anguish, bone deep anguish thus I've never felt in my entire life! As if my very life depended on this boy. That time around it seem to have been directed at the boy himself, or maybe again through him since he then incorporated my most precious person. But the fear I felt for those I loved was different from the first case above, it was more sorrow filled here. I felt if I were to lose him I wouldn't be able to stand it. It got so intense I had the impression of breaking apart, something ripping at my soul. The memory of Souji surfacing. Here the boy tightens his grip on me, tears streaming down his face, and suddenly I become this boy, I can hear what he's hearing inside his head. It sounds like a repeating, insisting gong of a country: " Korea", "Korea" and again:"Korea". And a picture of a green countryside comes up, yet remains vague and a pull to the past.


I suppose the boy is there as a trigger, anchor for the other two memories. But right now I haven't lost any of my family nor a loved one. Nor do I have any connection to Korea and no knowledge about it.


I'm putting this piece in here since in my eyes it is tied with the rest somehow, better than to take up unnecessary space.

 

[Nightrain]

Hi Rynen,


First, I want to apologize for my very self-centered reply to your last message in February. Something about your posts shook something loose in my own head; which, apparently, caused me to hijack your thread.


Regarding your memories, it appears that these emotions you've been experiencing have been a very dominating memory in your life for a number of years. And, some of the words you've recovered can certainly be considered Korean as well as Japanese. Remembering some things in the shower, or while driving are revealing, and your dreams seem consistent enough that, I think, you should be able to discover more by going through some kind of directed regression session. Have you considered undergoing hypnosis, or self-hypnosis, yet?


-Nightrain

 

[Florence]

Hi Rynen,


I enjoy reading your posts as you are very expressive and descriptive.


I just wanted to remind you that the little boy that you felt so heart sick over ....his plans and his life cut short.....is YOU...Your the little boy...he is inside of you, a part of you...so he lives again and he is now a man. This time you WILL complete your plans....So don't cry for him because if that fragment of personality is aware...he knows he is grown up and in the physical again...


What would be interesting would be to have a regression and ask that little boy what his plans were....just to see if your following those desires


In some ways it is a blessing NOT to remember if it is a torment in this life....

 

[Florence]

I wanted to add this and forgot....I don't remember where I read it but I liked it...


"Each life is just one day...in the life of a soul"


I don't know how long a soul lives...do you?


I guess that is why no matter who we are or what sex we come back as ....we continue solving the same problems we had yesterday....

 

[rynen]

Hi Rynen.
Although I was born just after World War II, I was apparently remembering things as they were in Detroit before and during the war.

So it's possible you were this brother of yours who died before you were born, huh? On one hand you might find quite some things (Photos, toys...) which belonged to him since he was family, but on the other hand, it might feel weird to think you were your own brother...:::confused. As far as I've read, reincarnation within the same family is indeed not a rarity! I wonder how that's feels...I mean when you discover you could be your own grandmother/father, for example.

First, I want to apologize for my very self-centered reply to your last message in February. Something about your posts shook something loose in my own head; which, apparently, caused me to hijack your thread.

Hey, don't sweat it! After all threads are here for a reason, that is talk about whatever lies within your heart. And if you poured it out, you needed it.

Regarding your memories, it appears that these emotions you've been experiencing have been a very dominating memory in your life for a number of years. And, some of the words you've recovered can certainly be considered Korean as well as Japanese. Remembering some things in the shower, or while driving are revealing, and your dreams seem consistent enough that, I think, you should be able to discover more by going through some kind of directed regression session.

For what I could scratch together, most of it was about Japan. I think this was the only time the focus at the end was so concentrated on Korea. May be I'll know about it later on. Self-hypnosis might be an idea. The only thing I fear is that since I have a very wild imagination things might tend to blow out of proportion if I were to do it...


As for Florence,I think your last statement "What would be interesting would be to have a regression and ask that little boy what his plans were....just to see if your following those desires" higly interesting. I would really like to do so. Maybe combining this self-hypnosis with picturing that boy and asking him might work.

I guess that is why no matter who we are or what sex we come back as ....we continue solving the same problems we had yesterday....:

laugh:So true!!


I dreamt again about the time within this group during what looks like the Bakumatsu period.The only thing I remember is the conclusion I came up at the end of this dream. It floating quite a long time in my mind when the dream started to become lucid and i was quite astonished at the kind of man i had been: a man full of doubts.But doubtful of what?


I remember really believing in our cause, sometimes my belief in it wavering, but Souji was always the one who made me want to believe in it again, thus strengthening it again. Sometimes I wonder how much I depended on him, not physically but trying to understand how he saw things and judge then according to my own way of thinking and what we did.


In the meantime I've read wht I could find on him, as little as historically is available. I got my hands on Nagakura Shinpachi's memoirs, a first hand account of the SHinsengumi, but it's in Japanese and I'm way too much of a beginner to understand it (too much kanji!). Yet with some dictionary I'll try this summer to at least do one page. See if maybe some things sound familiar...or not. Who knows...


The thing is I have an overall impression of Souji: I wouldn't be able to describe him adequately because each time is blurry, some rare times I could clearly see his face. What I deem funny is that he must have had an average looking face because I only remember details, like the very slanted eyes, the darker tone of his skin (I recall the skin of his face and his arms, more precisely his forearms which were lithe, sinewy and not on the short side either), his way of walking with confidence. Yet what always shook me to my core is –here it is just the feeling I recall- his entire belief in what he was doing, his dedication. Was it because we already had made our choice, knowing well what it would ensure. There was simply no other way. We could not go back. We chose and in order to remain true to ourselves we had to see it through. Yet, there seemed to have been quite a high number of members which were forced to commit seppuku or simply eliminated on Hijikata-san’s orders. But I think Souji was on a different level than I was. I needed to believe in the group but he appeared to have assimilated its principles from the beginning, moving along as things and rules changed, adjusting to the situation at hand.

 

[rynen]

Expressing yourself


I recently recalled a memory concerning forwarding my feelings to a person. No time feeling about it except that it would have at least been 100 years ago. No concrete location in Japan either.


I'm a young man in his twenties who has come back for a while to greet his father once again. When I enter his house, a traditional styled one, I'm told by a servant that he's in the garden. I see myself walking toward it. And, indeed, there he is. I quietly come up from behind and stop next to him. And so we both watch trees in bloom. None of us is talking. Then he breaks the silence and he states: "You're back." And I confirm: "Yes, I'm home, father." And then we fall silent again.


Contemplating these trees makes me realizes how great my love for my father is. And suddenly I turn toward him and take his hand in both of mine. I turn his palm upwards and fervently place a kiss upon it. This is my way of expressing my filial love.


Today I also am not the kind to jump onto someone or hug out of the blue, except if circumstances become extreme. But this gesture I would deem out of place now. I don't think I would be able to do so to express respect and love for my father.


I suppose that feelings in general weren't expressed freely. You had to read between the lines. Or am I mistaken? Even my gesture was not something I tended to do. I just felt like it at that moment because I needed to convey those feelings to my father and this way seemed the most natural to me. But nevertheless I think it is an odd gesture...

 

[rynen]

Rock Garden


Today I went with friends on a walk through what they call a zen garden. To me it rather looked like a rock garden. They were mesmerized by it, going on and on about the dry landscapes. I don't know why but something within me recoiled from it, I mean from rock gardens in general. Something akin to repulsion, maybe a bit fear (this last emotion comes from childhood, I never quite liked these, only the stone lanterns because those rock gardens made me think of tombstones, grave). And also at that moment I thought of death. I have no idea why my innermost self ties rock gardens with death...And uneasiness.


I rarely clearly dislike a place, an object or a person. I either like it or feel indifferent towards it or sometimes something inbetween.


I tried to like that zen garden we went to, but I wasn't capable of covering up my crestfallen expression. Made them slightly angry I couldn't enjoy it since all the people there did. Well, if you have a sour looking person tagging along a place that calls forth these feelings in him, I can't blame them for being a bit disappointed.


To think of it now creeps me out, hence the goosebumps.

 

[tanguerra]

Probably something worth exploring further Rynen?

 

[rynen]

@tanguerra: I agree. I made the link after writing it down. Well, the reaction was a bit over the top. But I didn't want to remember how it felt being in that zen-garden.


Only as an afterthought, to associate a rock garden with death, might, perhapst, mean that something violent happened in one, or something similar looking, and a person/people even died. But I don't understand that repulsive feeling about it, mixed with apprehension and fear. I felt very strongly and clearly within me a sense of impending doom and danger.

 

[rynen]

Scent


For a few days now I could take full advantage of the sunny weather, especially on weekends. Since I dearly love fruits and it's warm outside and inside, I got used to eat water melon on a regular basis. Somehow sitting in the shadows with the scent of ripe water melons (just about the right time to be eaten) nearby, and the warm weather I got that vision of Souji again. But as always no clear shot on his face. Or just a fleeing catch of it. For a moment I see him crouching down. He has his back turned to me since he's occupying his hands with something. Then he turns his head and I get a clear glimpse of black hair held back and an expression in his eyes that catches me by surprise. Such gentleness coming from his eyes. So gentle and caring...But here too I don't see the whole face clearly. It's usually only part of the face or not at all. And somehow I feel my whole being is enveloped in that care. What a warm and peaceful feeling...and I always tend to keep in mind that past lives may or might not exist and that if they do that does not mean I'm not imagining everything.This is the feeling in the back of my mind and yet I have that contradictory feeling in the back of my heart which "knows" that these vision about Souji are right and a part of me. No need to express it, it is an unwavering and profound knowledge where you do not have to explain it to others or trying to justify it to yourself in order to believe it. Mind and feelings are different I guess.


Apart from that vision I'm starting to get more and more anxious about "SOuji". But here I don't know why since he's long past dead. Like he's in imminent danger or something is going to happen to him soon. Deep rooted knowledge that something is not right, yet I can't pinpoint what that's suppose to be. And tied to it, I find it strange too that memories are rushing to me more often (just look only at the posts in that last week!).

 

[rynen]

dark garnments


I had two vivid pictures coming up on my walk home, persistantly so.


The image of two different long garnments made either of cotton or silk: one is dark brown with a lighter red and some white, the other is dark (either black or a very dark blue) with white, small, maybe plum tree blossoms, on it. When stretched down on the ground, it easily looks very wide and long, as if it's just the raw material before the real making of the clothes in itself.

 

[Nightrain]

I had two vivid pictures coming up on my walk home, persistantly so.
The image of two different long garnments made either of cotton or silk: one is dark brown with a lighter red and some white, the other is dark (either black or a very dark blue) with white, small, maybe plum tree blossoms, on it. When stretched down on the ground, it easily looks very wide and long, as if it's just the raw material before the real making of the clothes in itself.

Hi Rynen!


I'm afraid you lost me in the last sentence, "...as if it's just the raw material before the real making of the clothes...". Can you describe what you mean? Was there something about the clothing that appeared unfinished? If so, what?

 

[rynen]

My fault for not being more precise. Well it's just the impression I got. The first thing I saw were those two "garnments" in front of me like when you hang out the laundry. What seemed already ready were the colour and patterns, and the sleeves. But the rest of the garnments didn't seem to be finished. I don't know why I had that impression. I know nothing about how you sew things together apart from putting on a button on clothes when one is missing. I don't know either why,on one hand, I had the strong feeling the material was silk, and on another cotton. When I thought it could be both, I somehow felt how that cotton garnment was warm but heavy when worn.


The first thing that came to my mind was kimonos, but I'm hesitant since the garnments appeared later spread out on the floor and it seems it was in order to measure it up. But like I said these are only things I "felt". I did not actually see somebody or myself do that task.


The most important thing since it is the most vivid memory, are the colours, especially this reddish/dark brown and the colour black contrasting so nicely with these white plum blossoms which were so light, so very light and tiny - they didn't appear to be really falling, more like dancing in the wind since they were all over the pattern, some higher set than others, some changing direction as if a gust of wind just blew through this "landscape".

 

[rynen]

While taking some rest, my mind wanders a bit, somehow coming back to Yasuo. I wonder how my mother was called back then and the name which comes up is Yuuko, Tachibana Yuuko. It is a name that doesn't feel wrong, yet there are no special feelings tied to it. These pieces of "information" are really doubtful and I really think about discarding them as fantasy. I suppose since to write it down here calms me down, I'll just go ahead.


As for my father I only get a first name starting with "J", maybe even "Ji" (J+i), but what comes right away is the letter J , so....


And also a town Miwako or Miyako. I looked it up. There is apparently a town located in Okinawa ( the Miwako Islands) and one located in Iwate. Maybe it is just that I heard that word "Iwate" before, but Iwate seems familiar if i compare it to the other place.


And that my mother had a stubborn streak and that my father was energetic are also things just popping up all of sudden.


All these are only impression with no strong feelings tied to it, apparently just pieces strewn along the road, maybe for me to pick up, or just throw away...


When someone gets "information" in such a way instead of for example dreams is the possibility higher it might just be imaginary?!

 

[Nightrain]

When someone gets "information" in such a way instead of for example dreams is the possibility higher it might just be imaginary?!

Hi Rynen!


I tend not to trust my own conscious development of information, because I so often plant things that "might" have been there; but, are really a result of being conscious of the world around me, including memories of things seen or heard recently. I would tend to trust a little more of what comes from the subconscious with the help of meditation or guided regressions.


You may already be using certain techniques to access your subconscious, and I could be quite wrong about distrusting conscious thinking. Only you know what works best.

 

[rynen]

A Korean name


:coffee:I had quite the disturbing dream tonight. Well, I was at a regressionist's place and she was trying to get some information out of me. I remember as she forcefully took my face in to her hands, gazing intently and saying strictly: " what is the information?" I was clearly feeling out of place and displeased with such a treatment. But I recall stammering a word and then a name ("It sounded like E Un"). She replied: "What is "Ee Un"? And I said "A Korean name". I looked up Korean name who might be written the way it sounded. This came up "Yeun" (But I'm not sure if it would sound the same) or maybe rather EUN. Would anybody have some knowledge about about Korean names?

 

[rynen]

Parents?!


I just went to sleep and strangely I thought about the movie I just watched about a child finding his parents again. When I saw them in each other's arms, I recall being astonished as why I had tears falling, not because it was a good reunion but because I suddenly missed being hugged by my mom. And what was weird was that in my mind I saw myself as a child being hugged by its parents, a small child. And while in bed, half asleep but still brooding, I remembered something from my own childhood: up until the age of 10, if I was going out and if I was being accompanied by my parents or one of them they would always walk with my hands in theirs. And suddenly when I got 10 things changed - as it should I might add (ashamed of himself here. My dad wouldn't want to hold my hand anymore while walking because I was too old for that. And I clearly remember my mom even "throwing" my hand away from hers because I was too old to be holding hands with my parents. I was shocked at such a sudden change and I felt deeply hurt. Now, I know that it was a natural thing to do, but holding hands with them made me feel safe. And as I was going through those memories again, I felt deeply hurt all over again, as if I was 10 again. I didn't understand. Why that grief? My mind understood the reason for the rejection but as an adult my heart didn't. The realization hit me all sudden: I saw the link between my life now and my life as Yasuo, because I had a vision of myself as Yasuo walking in the streets holding hands with his parents. Though I don't understand why it would make me feel safe in this life...

 

[rynen]

Since last week I keep have images appearing in front of my eyes. Usually I wouldn’t pay any attention to those, but this repeated pattern bothers me.


The most frequent one: “I see myself holding in my hand, or more precisely between my fingers, a bowl-shaped but small (cup-sized) container filled with a beverage. Lost in thoughts, I’m contemplating its content. I can see the head of a tree reflected in it. I just know it is sake.” In real life I wouldn’t be able to tell its taste since I never drank any sake before. “The liquid looks lush and seems to give a rich flavour on the palate. It has a golden hue. The play of the light (probably the setting sun) makes it looks darker at times.” I always thought sake was supposed to be muddy white. What’s funny is that I’m not one to drink alcohol since it definitely tastes bad. And here I am having such a picture in my mind of apparently such fine tasting sake!


Another one which only appeared twice: “The picture of a woman in ancient clothing passing by with tied-back hair.”


And the last image popping up often: “I see myself sitting on a broad branch in a tree in bloom. It’s probably spring and I’m high up in the tree. One of my legs is flexed and the other one is dangling down.”


I don't know why these same pictures keep appearing out of the blue during the day, nor why they are somehow important to me. They are kind of disrupting my routine. At first, a pleasant change, but now they are really distracting. I thought they just might be daydreams and nothing more. But they just appear over and over again and most importantly unchanging in their form. Any advice as to the reason why?

 

[I_am_a_dreamer]

Since last week I keep have images appearing in front of my eyes. Usually I wouldn’t pay any attention to those, but this repeated pattern bothers me.
I don't know why these same pictures keep appearing out of the blue during the day, nor why they are somehow important to me. They are kind of disrupting my routine. At first, a pleasant change, but now they are really distracting. I thought they just might be daydreams and nothing more. But they just appear over and over again and most importantly unchanging in their form. Any advice as to the reason why?

Well, I think that if these are repetitive images, then you should be learning something from them, especially since they seem to be pictures. Things like these tend to be messages, and at the moment, you're more receptive to images about your japanese life/lives.


As for your first one, I think it could mean: You need to kick back and enjoy yourself. Take some time out with some friends and really relax and have a good time. You can never enjoy your friend's company more when you're all happy. (Of course I might be wrong, but this is what is coming to mind.)


As for the second one: Seek your heritage. Investigate your past lives more and try to find connections in history/historical documents. Travel. Go to an oriental museum. Indulge in traditional oriental imagery, i.e. Paintings, tapestries, vases, sculpture.


As for the third: Relax. Take time to enjoy yourself in nature, and take a day off. Enjoy natural beauty and ponder about yourself.


Of course, as my mom would say, take all of this with a pinch of salt, because as far as I know, I'm completely off the mark. I'm just going with my impressions here.


What do you think they mean?

 

[rynen]

Me needing some time to relax was a good guess!! And as to the rest, I suppose I still have a very long way to go before I can put these Japanese past lives to rest. Indeed they don't seem to be in a hurry to turn up. So I'll just sit back, enjoy life a bit more and patiently wait when the time is deemed to be about right!


You asked what my guess would be...for the first one, the thing that felt natural but actually shocked me was the question why in that "picture" I spend so much time pondering on sake when I clearly had no knowledge of it nor any liking to alcoholic beverages in general. But the word" picture"I used is maybe not the right one, because the scene wasn't frozen in time. Time was flowing. I could feel a faint breeze and I had the distinct feeling of sitting outside the house or in a room opening to a garden like those traditional Japanese style houses do. And the sake I was looking upon was moving as if I was a bit shaking the "cup" or some air brushed the surface.


As to the second one: that woman was in my mind just passing by. "Picture" is also not the right word here. But movement here was less pointed out.


The third one made me feel nostalgic somehow. I remember I thought then " What a lovely tree to sit in and enjoy the sight. Would be perfect with some sake to enjoy the beauty surrounding me even more!" And here again what baffled me was me thinking of sake to enjoy beautiful things even though I don't give a **** about alcohol of any sort. Made me wonder even more!!

 

[rynen]

1702


I have been keeping up with work lately so I had little time and energy to focus on anything else. Today, half of what I was supposed to do went wrong, so I was in a frustrated, angry and spiteful mood when I decided to have a bath to relax. While enjoying the hot water, my mind was still in disarray and angrily I thought: " I'm the same brat I was back then (reference is to the time I was a male "courtesan" as well as to the time as Yasuo). The same stubborness. That didn't change for sure!"


Somehow that last statement made me think about my life as male courtesan again (courtesan if one may call it as such since we may not have been common prostitutes, but in the end we were paid after all for "our services". I do recall that sometimes customers only came for company, some for performance. But most times it ended the same way: s**. I hazely remember that the money always flew into the hands of the one whom the whole "house" belonged to. We, or at least I, do no recall to have ever seen the colour of it. Weird, huh?!).


Well, a knowing, heavy feeling made itself at home in my heart. I felt uneasy but at the same time that feeling had made itself comfortable within me, telling me it was the beginning of the 18th century during the Edo period and for the last two hours the date 1702 wouldn't leave my inner eye.


That's it. I think maybe I should look into that date, see what happened then...

 

[rynen]

Torn between a man and a woman


This morning, a few minutes before going out of bed, I thought about a dream I was just having then. When I actually got up, I forgot everything about it. However, it came back as soon as I entered the kitchen.


"I was a man, probably Asian, attached to a woman, a nice looking one. I believe we were wedded. But my feelings to this woman were confusing: they were a whirlwind of emotions. I feel that I was in love with her. But she was a demanding, angry woman, or so she appeared to me then. Always demanding my attention. Not a bad person for sure. I suppose as such was our love: a turmoil. In the long run, such a love is exhausting and I was regretful our relationship was defined by this air bracing. If I were to describe it, I would say it was like hot lava caught in a recipient, unable to escape, its only nourishment: itself.


She disliked a friend of mine. She regularly badmouthed him in front of me. So I stayed away from home more and more often.


That friend was either Chinese or Korean. With barely slanted eyes, a slight beard and a mustache and long hair tied on the top of the head in a "bun" of some sort. I don't have a more accurate way to describe it. I see him holding onto a branch near an abyss, trying to hold on, to heave himself up, not to fall into the abyss. I can see despair in these eyes. And my response to it: I won't him die, I won't let "my general" die.


I reach him and seem to be able to pull him a bit up. His grip on the branch does the rest and brings him back on firm ground.


Who is he? A man I admire. A superior. A friend, yet not a best friend. But my wife is right to be suspicous of him, well, not him, it should be actually me! Since I'm clearly aware of the fact that my feelings of friendship have changed into love. Friendship it remains, but I'm also in love with him. In love I am with my wife and with him. Her love is like a storm, and his love his like the soothing rain. He calms me down with mere words and his presence.


Though it remained a platonic love we shared, I remember this rush of warmth coursing through my body when I thought of him, even now. It is the exact same feeling I had for Souji. It's his signature, his mark which enables me to recognize him anywhere. Even though Souji and he are different, especially the looks (He seems to have a more round face, more round eyes), the signature (meaning this feeling I always get in dreams or visions when around "him" or what I believe is an incarnation of him) is exactly the same."


The timeset appears to be several centuries back, maybe more. Difficult to say. The only clue I have is this hair bun on the top of the head...


And what haunted me this whole day: the picture I had from back then. I'm standing with him and my wife. Each of them is pulling at one of my arms, screaming at each other. She stubbornly won't let go of my arm, neither is he of my other arm. This vivid picture imprinted on my mind is probably just a mix of a dream and a past life. But it makes me feel uneasy for a reason.

 

[I_am_a_dreamer]

And what haunted me this whole day: the picture I had from back then. I'm standing with him and my wife. Each of them is pulling at one of my arms, screaming at each other. She stubbornly won't let go of my arm, neither is he of my other arm. This vivid picture imprinted on my mind is probably just a mix of a dream and a past life. But it makes me feel uneasy for a reason.

Anyone would be uneasy in that sort of situation love. No one wants to be the center of a tug-of-war, because sub-consiously, to get out of it, you know you must make a choice.


Is that the same kind of uneasiness you're talking about?

 

[rynen]

Yes, maybe "choice" is the right word. I hope to never relive such a situation again as long as I live.


I encountered something similar in 5th grade though it was just a friendship quarrel. 2 friends of mine then who couldn't stomach each other all of sudden reached each for one of my arms before class started and were indeed yelling at each other. And then both looked up at me, expected me to make a decision which of them I would choose to remain friends with. I just remember how confused I was and wondered why the heck they couldn't get along and why I ended up in the middle of it. Shuddering merely thinking of it. Because I hadn't an answer right away at the time since this situation took me aback I thought for quite some time that I wasn't strong enough...


But similarities stop here. I remained friend with one of them. But geez an experience I'd gladly have done without...