It's so much easier to be one of the torturers than one of the tortured.
Interesting remark but I might disagree. When you are the one who inflicts pain on others, your soul must be highly individualistic, closed from empathy, or have a split personality. You're not in a healthy place being a 'torturer'. Our natural state of being is full of love, curiosity, excited about the world around us.
These last couple of days have learned me a few more things. Since that spontaneous flash-back into the body and the eyes of my former self (entering a marketplace in an ancient Maya place), I got 'hooked' again. Wanted to go back more often, and unravel some loose ends.
My loose ends were: why? why me? How was life before the age of seven in that life? Who was my grandfather? How did they know what day it was, living in a jungle? Did they prepare me for my fate? Why was I allowed to be in that gathering? I felt so proud as if not every kid was invited.
Twice, I did a self-regression trying to go back to my former 7-year-old me in that time. That was not easy. I didn't get hardly any visuals or information. That's why I tried two times (with one or two days apart). I only saw a lot of fragments without coherence. As usual, I saw trees, trees and more trees. Sometimes my eyes followed a monkey climbing branches. I saw quite a few vultures. Flying, or high up in trees and one time walking on top of a peak.
It seems that I can only recall scenes that contained some emotion or interest from me at that time. Suddenly, I saw myself on a trunk of a tree, head bowed down, while an older lady combed my hair in search of little animals on my head. Not pleasant.
I saw a fragment of a wooden bowl with liquid white paint and my arms in it, so the skin of my underarms was painted white (no clue what so ever this was about). I saw the hand of a grown-up with a small curled furry mammal in it, with his belly upwards. My interest was totally into its little, perfect claws and its long, curled nails.
I experienced myself as a thin child with almost no weight. Somebody put me on branches to climb a tree or pick me up later. There was a grown adult with me this time. I guess it was the same one who later in life would carry me outside of the family circle. At first, I thought it was an older brother, but now I think he was just my young father. He had so much joy in me. One moment we went to a higher place, like a hill or a mountainside. We watched the sun go down and then gazed at the stars.
The special thing here was that I have the feeling this was his 'job' and he took me with him for some entertaining and quality time. From that place, you could have a good look at another point/higher place, quite far away. As if there was a communication network between multiple settlements, day and night. Not so weird if you take into consideration that this might have happened in the first half of the sixteenth century. I also saw a great bell made of metal, maybe to be used in case of emergency. Just a guess. I checked, and the Mayans did have bells made of copper.
Anyway, I saw a lot of random scenes. Including little me climbing into narrow caves. I had the feeling they let me go there, searching for bones and skeletons because I was so small and weightless and serious. I've also seen two scenes in which I saw people from another culture. Not white people, just 'not us'. The first man was dressed in a bright-colored green cloth from his waist down to the ground. His hair was short/cut, not like 'our' long hair. I guess I stared at him in disbelief and he kind of almost rolled his eyes and looked back with a mocking grin.
The other 'stranger' was actually a native Indian but from a faraway tribe. He performed a dance on his own, near the shore of a lake. He impersonated a flying eagle. Also this time, I stared and wondered.
Maybe people who came for trade. I don't know yet.
Because these visions or memories didn't bring me much more than just some random scenes, I then decided to do a kind of open meditation. Asking for more insight, for some personal assistance. I can't recall exactly how this went. I was formulating questions, got distracted in my mind, went back to my initial intention and so on. And then slowly I entered a kind of flow of insights. The energy of this male adult reminded me of my oldest son. The one who was so happy with his little daughter and the one who handed her over to her fatal destiny. I kind of felt his pain so much. Then realized what happened in another former life, in which I was the mother and he was my son, who went away to die on a battlefield against the Germans (19th century). I was the one left behind and couldn't face life anymore.
Then I realized that exactly the same happened to me and one of the priests at the end of the Mayan life. He ended my life or he was part of the system that ended my life. I still don't know exactly how it ended. In another following life, we were married and he got executed and I was left behind. I couldn't handle that either.
Although I already knew this information, suddenly it was put into a logical frame, during my open meditation. I also was able to feel the pain of the ones who did me wrong. I had to break up that meditation and have a walk to get rid of the dense, eery cloud that had come over me. The deep realization of other people's emotions and feelings.
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