Hi Eowyn!
Thank you so much for your answers. I've only just discovered you had written, I don't know how I could have missed it. Then again, I am a bit clumsy at times.
I had to read what you have written several times before anything sunk in, and I am gonna keep it in the back of my mind. Thank you so much.
I'm so sorry you have been an mistreated woman in the pl. Yes, it certainly was very different times. It is one thing to read about it, but it did not enter my mind that it would be so significant in the smallest detailed in every day life. And a lot of things I am sure no one even questioned or saw as being suppression or humiliation, and others one saw very clear that it was, but I think we all start out adjusting and are being taught certain things and at one point we just go on with life and we don't question them. For instance I remember clearly as Laura a hot summer day when I walked in the hallway and the father (I think it was either my aunt's husband or older sister's husband, he was a priest, I have later found a photograph and information about him) called me in a room that looked like a home office of some kind. In this room was my husband to be. Earlier, if I should dare to take a guess I would say 1-2 years before, the future husband had suggested that I would leave this family and go work for him as he had lost his wife and needed help on the ranch. It didn't happen. The father asked me to sit down, and I did. I could feel the tensions in the air, both men were dressed business like. I was used to seeing my future husband as he looked as a typical ranch owner when he came in town to pick up what ever he had now ordered for his new home. I could tell it was customary that I should wait til the father or any man really had asked me a question, or done a nod, something to give me the sign that it was allowed, it was given, that I should talk. It was settled then and there that we were to be married, I was to continue with my education despite the marriage and working on the farm and my husband would give my mother money on a regular basis. All very businesslike. The time had come. I think we had both been in love with each other for a long time before this moment but only done small talk in town. It was a sensation every time he was around me. The mistreatment began, I think, after WW1 , he had changed, I had changed. Also we had a dispute in midst of the war and I thought he had left me and would divorce me. After the reconciliation and the death of the child he thought I had become insane. instead of making reality of his threat to take me to a mental hospital of some kind, he did his own treatments of me, one of them was forcing a bit of sheet with some strange liquid on on my mouth and nose til I calmed down or if I actually fainted.
I have realized that the husband was, is not of the opinion that he was abusive. But he was a man of different times. There was one scene for instance where I looked up, sitting at the sofa at our home, and seeing how clean and in order everything was. But no son alive. Everything was so silent. So untouched. I missed him so much. What was it all good for then? What kind of home was this? Why put in any effort? Suddenly I went up and started to trash things, at a certain area of the room, in rage and in tears. The husband appeared in the room at the doorway and at once took out the leather belt around his pants. Laura took steps back, slide down a wall and stared in the nothingness in front of her. She did not care if he would beat her with it or not. I could see him coming closer, and bending down somewhat with this knees, still holding the belt with one hand, and staring, looking at her. I can't remember that he beat her with it, and I think this is possible the scene that he wanted to show me that he was, from his perspective a "good guy" to not hit her.
It is clear to me that he did not consider himself grabbing her or dragging her or carrying her as abusive, even if it was so clear this was not what she wanted. It really was as if he did, as you say, consider her body his possession.
I have thought about if the husband has been reincarnated, he has some things in common with an ex boyfriend of mine, but then again the spirit of my former husband could not then have been haunting us for years perhaps so I have sort of now landed in the thought that no, he can't have been reincarnated then. He has powers on the other side that he did not have in life (like creating hell of a sounds, turning of electricity and I think that is only the beginning. It is like I can sense his potential and it has frighten me when we have tried to communicate. I can never figure out if he is good or bad or both, I can't describe his energy, he had a strong personality when he was alive, strong will).
What I find is quite difficult for me is that in that life as Laura, I had "psychic abilities" (or maybe just imagination, I don't know) that I simply don't have this time around, the little I do have is from when I was a child, and I think many kids do have psychic abilities but it will go away in time if not cared for, and if not believed. If I got this right she was later trained and disciplined about this ability by the Maoris and the Mormons. So Laura is I think more used to the astral world than I am. My own "ability" really opened up when I remembered during intense work of meditation this life as Laura. She was a missionary, but also worked as a teacher, and during WW1 as a nurse assistant, the latter to her husband's strong disapproval.
I have memory of a time when she came in town, sitting in the back of a horse carriage as the father of the family left to go in a store. She sat there with several other children and could be like 15 or so at the time. I remember her seeing opposite the dusty streets and the wooden stores , her future husband loading things on his horse carriage. Their eyes met. Without sounding too corny he made an impression on her.
A lot of times before I sunk into this strange state where my feet are walking to a wood house and the past life husband is there and also the child I see the same scene - but from his perspective, his eyes. So I see Laura. What Laura looked like at that moment. She had a few strings of hair in the way of her face, due to the wind, and I can feel his emotions; how her face and her eyes got stuck in his conscious mind. I think it was the first time their eyes had met.
I thought he had crossed over to the other side some time back but then it is as if this is returning despite of this. In life he did not get a great start. He was thrown out after defending his mother, who was beaten by the man, the father of the house. He was in jail as a child and it was because he was homeless. He had marks on his back that would always be there after being whipped. Somehow the Mormons found him and he became a minister in time, but chose to buy land and become a ranch owner primarily. He knew of the father in Laura's family who was a Mormon priest too. He knows he is dead, yet all of this is happening. I hope it is only my fear and not a reality that he is not in the light.
Yes, I should embrace Laura and work on the issues, thing is I don't really know how to work on them. One of the strongest issue from that life is, I think, the possibility that her husband was not the biological father of the child who died. When he had dumped her, or so she thought, that seemed very much like the reality of the time, she became friend with an injured soldier while working as a nurse assistant. Found him too, thanks to his stubbornness for her to get his name just right in one of my meditations, it was an old Irish name and he was particular about the spelling and how to say it, he was a teaser. He looks very much like my husband and my husband is a teaser too. In time she and this soldier fell in love and well...did it, to put it blunt. They had plans to marry and he would already call her Mrs and his own last name. Then the news came of his death after he was sent out again, not being injured enough not to keep fighting. What I found frightening is the scenery I have of him saying something to her husband, the general, as a soldier and then as he goes out to fight the husband shoots him deliberately with hate in his eyes. He kills him. Laura was not even there, and somehow I can see this after one of my communications with the husband. In real life I could find that the general and the soldier were placed together, during the war. This does not of course mean that the husband killed him but it is still a bit of information that totally stopped me when finding it, thinking Oh, My God. This can't be real.
I don't know what Laura/me has done about this - all I know is that it feels like an impossibility to remember if the soldier was the father or her husband. It is blocked. Totally blocked.
As Laura or me, don't know which, I remember in one of my efforts to communicate with this pl-husband-ghost (if it was now not just a nightmare that is), when he "said" "you need to remember". I think Laura had a HUGE fear that her husband would think the son was not his. Also because the son is a ghost beside the husband-ghost I think her, my fear of him then hurting the boy in some way is great for me. So it is like I have done, as Laura, perhaps?, some magical tricks, or what now to call it by, that I just can't open that door. In life the boy knew only of one father, the husband of Laura, and because he has stayed the same age as he was in when he passed away, one feels very protective of him, and I can tell that he swirls around his only known father, that they are tied in together in this entire mess.
Anyway, enough about me going on and on about this...I'm sorry.
Best Wishes
Li La
Thank you
the reality is probably that the fear i felt created a poor experience. even though i was fascinated by this unique language i tried to ward off the projection and ended up slipping into a fearful/vivid dream like i had brought these unwanted entities with me... the initial feeling i got was i was in the company of "grays" that people talk about, but i might be wrong. i don't like going into something feeling so uneasy and think this altered my overall experience.