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My friend X

I have a similar (albeit darker) issue with a man who is undoubtedly my soulmate, who I have tried on a number of occasions to just shake off, but can't. With anyone else, it's easy for me to drop my feelings for them, but not him. It's just something I know, but it's not something I want. I can't stand the man. His ego is much stronger than his soul and because of this, he put me through utter hell. If I go right down into my soul's core, this is an extremely powerful, beautiful, pure love and one that he feels also.


But 95% of the time, it's nothing more than an irritation to me!


I wish I knew the reasons behind all this - why he kept leaving me and did the things he did; and how that love is so pure but he could never quite summon the strength to keep it that way. Now, my love has been tainted due to hatred I also feel towards him. That's why I hardly think about it these days - he pops up in my thoughts and in my dreams without my consent; on occasions when I haven't seen him for a long time, I've had dreams about him that have actually been happening at the time - stuff I'd rather not know, but which have been confirmed. But I just focus on my dreams and ambitions and try to ignore the random thoughts that enter my head about him. Too much damage has been done for me to even consider being with my soulmate, but I can't deny the absolute love I feel for him. It's all just bittersweet really, isn't it?
 
BriarRose said:
... I have been reading a book by an "energy worker" who purports that it is possible to contact a future version of your self that knows how your issue was resolved. Maybe X's current persona is a test of your love. In the vein of "will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64"? Can you imagine the "between lives" planning session? "Will you love me if I'm a nerd, not a glamorous RAF pilot?" Personally, my favorite people are nerds, so "heck" yes!
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Yes. It's certainly a test sometimes. That's for sure. It might be interesting to try to cast my 'memory' forward and see what the next time has in store for us. I'm sure we'll be going round and round again for some time to come. I certainly hope so anyway.


Perhaps this is a test of love? Perhaps for both of us. By my example and by his example of 'evolved' behaviour we are still good friends, despite what's gone on over the years. Sure, there's been pain, but there's been a lot of pleasure. X is a delightful person, even if sometimes difficult and strange in the way he relates to people, especially his relationships.


We're both learning things from all this. As I said, I think I've learned a great deal about 'love without desire' and I hope I'm showing him something about trust and constancy and friendship, forgiveness and acceptance. So it's all good.
 
SkyeSpitfire said:
...I wish I knew the reasons behind all this - why he kept leaving me and did the things he did; and how that love is so pure but he could never quite summon the strength to keep it that way....
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Have you got any idea if you knew each other before and what happened then? It might be well worth doing some work on that. It might shed light on why your present relationship is so faught now?
 
I enjoy reading your experiences and memories about this man :) When there are such strong feelings, it's difficult to deny the truth of it.


I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I find it fascinating how you in this life met before he went to the hospital with cancer since you have several lifetimes with him dying or going away from you. I wonder if he is in any way aware of those lives or that "theme", maybe unconcious impressions that come through at times for him not really knowing what it is?


I am sorry to hear about your dog, it's always sad losing a dear pet. I am glad this man could comfort you, it sounded like a very nice embrace :)


I'm thinking that just being with this guy as a friend or whatever feels right for you two could bring out further memories and themes between the two of you. Believe in your feelings, as I think you do.


When reading about this thread and thinking about my own past life loves I keep getting images of a man that I was very charmed by, I see him with a brown hat and brown casual clothes and a very nice smile coming towards me. I wonder who he was and if I know him now. Not as handsome as Ryan Gosling lol, but so charming in his own way. Makes my heart go fuzzy
 
tanguerra said:
Have you got any idea if you knew each other before and what happened then? It might be well worth doing some work on that. It might shed light on why your present relationship is so faught now?
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Nope! I have no idea what happened with us before, though I'm certain we knew each other in previous lives. I can only go on my feelings with this, that this connection isn't one I feel with any other living person.
 
Some of my past lives seem to have been remarkably "loveless", at least in the romantic sense. I don't know if you would all agree, but i would rather have a "bumpy" love life than none at all!
 
BriarRose said:
Some of my past lives seem to have been remarkably "loveless", at least in the romantic sense. I don't know if you would all agree, but i would rather have a "bumpy" love life than none at all!
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:D I can't say how loveless my past lives have been as I've only explored one of them in detail, but I do feel in this life that I'd rather have none at all! But of course I say this because mine has been particularly rubbish - lol. Interestingly, one goal that seems to have been a factor of the relationship between myself and the person I have discussed is Love vs Ambition. From the start, as a person who had been deprived of love from an early age, he had made it clear that his ambitions were what matters - perhaps that's why I had always been thrown to the back of the line! And in turn, I always believed that love took precedence over all else, so I fought for it - to the point where it seemed I was fighting a lost cause! Now, however, the tables have taken a strange turn. My ambitions are now the most important thing to me and I can't die until they've been achieved; in contrast, he neglects his ambitions (often without realizing it) but will speak about the love he has for me and the impact it has had on him. I can't work my head around it; he is more intuitive than me and he's connected to this other 'realm' more than me, but as consequence, he doesn't fare so well in this reality. He has always said that our story would go on well beyond death and this moment in time is just a chapter in the middle. Even so, I know the puzzle pieces are in front of me but I can't work out how to put them together!
 
That is a past life relationship, if I have ever read one! And I have of course - I read Tanguerra's story. I would like to say that love gets easier with chronological age, but of course, it doesn't. Passions seem to rage just as much in me now, as they did when I was a "sweet young thing". I am finding that to be very surprising. The soul is truly ageless.
 
Seline said:
I enjoy reading your experiences and memories about this man :) When there are such strong feelings, it's difficult to deny the truth of it.
I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I find it fascinating how you in this life met before he went to the hospital with cancer since you have several lifetimes with him dying or going away from you. I wonder if he is in any way aware of those lives or that "theme", maybe unconcious impressions that come through at times for him not really knowing what it is?
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Thank you Seline. Yes. It strikes me too.

That first night we met (this life, some 15 years ago) was very, very intense. I'd been 'wishing' for him to come to me for years. My father, who I adored, and have also known several times before (lucky me), had died almost to the day only 12 months before X and I met. I was completely "grief stricken" and was a bit 'beside myself' at the time and felt very isolated. I'd lost the most important person in my whole life, my father, my best friend, my confidante, my Papa ... I describe it in my book like this:

...My father had always been my point of reference. He was always there with calm counsel and a clean hanky when I was having one of life's many crises since I could crawl. As I grew up he lent me money when I needed it and gave me the benefit of his advice whether I wanted to hear it or not. He was a pillar of wisdom, solace and practical support in my life. His face always lit up when I came into a room. I adored and admired him. We could talk all day or just sit and read quietly by the fire. We understood each other as you only can when you have known someone all your life. He loved me without condition and I loved him without question. When he died I was completely lost without him.
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I had a wonderful partner at the time. A good man. We'd been together nearly 10 years and were even engaged (yes, really). But he was not someone I had any 'memories' with, although I knew he was a very good man and I should probably marry him, something was 'out of tune' in my heart. I was just inconsolable about my father and I don't know... I knew something was missing and, although it would have been by far the most sensible thing to do, I couldn't marry him... So, I delayed and delayed.

All my life I knew X was out there somewhere. I'd been dreaming about him and going all soppy about various folk tunes (various incidents described above) for the past several years and it had only got worse... I felt him. I missed him. I called him. I needed him. He came. (And he lived).

Suddenly there he was, about to die of the same thing that had just killed my father, leukemia - all my worst nightmares in one crazy moment ... It was very strange, make no mistake. Quite an entrance! Typical X! I was wearing a strapless black ball gown he was wearing lime green furry flared pants... (yes, really) He was very afraid that night we met, but I felt strangely serene. I knew he would be OK and I told him so. I gave him a big 'pep talk' about immortality and that this is all a 'movie' and that fear was a waste of time and we are all immortal... We talked about 'everything' that night, about his ideas of the universe, robots, punk music, science fiction, maths, romatic poetry, history, geopolitics, time travel.... everything... and the world just turned around us.

I owned a bar/jazz club/theater thing at the time (yes really, long story) and there was a big party going on, which was why I was wearing a hired ball gown, and why X had turned up with my sister ... We were immediately 'struck' by each other (... his flashing [green] eyes, his floating [orange] hair...) and he floated around all evening trying to chat me up (much to the annoyance of my sister).

When he told me what was going on with the leukemia etc. and I had time to pay attention (some hours later into the evening) I stopped what I was doing and came and sat down on a couch beside him and said 'What? Say that again? Tomorrow you're going to go and have a what transplant..?'... and listened with all my attention while he told me the whole story... People were coming and asking me whether to go and get more ice or beer or pay the band or lock up the club or did I want a taxi or whatever and I just waved and pointed and said, 'Yes, fine, OK, go ahead... etc) while X told me all about 'everything' he was thinking. About daybreak there was a small handful of people hanging around (including my sister, who went in the taxi with him to the hospital which I hailed....). Quite a night! I seem to recall saying to him 'Oh, pish posh! You'll outlive me. I could walk across the road and be hit by a cab... death is nothing to be afraid of..." and things of this nature...
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I didn't see him again for a year, but I thought about him a great deal as you can imagine. I thought, 'No, couldn't be! Don't be ridiculous....' But still... something inside me said 'You know... what if?... '. Meanwhile my sister helped nurse him and I broke up with my fiance... (not because of X, but because it was inevitable and the right thing to do because I did not love him - and it was for the best as things turned out). A year later I met X again and he was alive and that was 'it' for me.

This life X has had the 'last rites' read over him 3 times (family gathered from across the whole country, the works - thank heavens I was not at any of these events to witness them personally quite frankly - each time it was during one of our separations ... not that I wouldn't have been there, but because I didn't know). But oddly or not, still he's here. I sometimes feel that this life is in some ways like 'pay back' for all the other times. No matter what, here he comes again 'looking better than he has a right to...'. [wink to BriarRose]

Time has often been wasted in years not speaking to each other and sulking and silliness, then, there we are, friends again like nothing happened and it's just like always. (Lucky me)
 
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SkyeSpitfire said:
:D ... And in turn, I always believed that love took precedence over all else, so I fought for it - to the point where it seemed I was fighting a lost cause! Now, however, the tables have taken a strange turn. My ambitions are now the most important thing to me and I can't die until they've been achieved; in contrast, he neglects his ambitions (often without realizing it) but will speak about the love he has for me and the impact it has had on him. ...
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I'd say this is the lesson here (for both of you). Well worth looking into more deeply.
 
Sometimes, reading this forum is more interesting than a good novel. (and truer) Your first meeting with X was so dramatic Tanguerra, that it was obviously the beginning of a destined relationship. I liked your reference to "Kubla Khan". It was always one of my favorite pieces of poetry. Somehow, I think you will end up living with X, and caring for him. Whether it will be romantic or not, I have no clue. I hope that somewhere inside, he realizes that it is foolish to pass on the kind of love you have for him. He has had so many brushes with death - does he have complicated feelings about his own mortality?
 
BriarRose said:
Sometimes, reading this forum is more interesting than a good novel. (and truer) Your first meeting with X was so dramatic Tanguerra, that it was obviously the beginning of a destined relationship. I liked your reference to "Kubla Khan". It was always one of my favorite pieces of poetry. Somehow, I think you will end up living with X, and caring for him. Whether it will be romantic or not, I have no clue. I hope that somewhere inside, he realizes that it is foolish to pass on the kind of love you have for him. He has had so many brushes with death - does he have complicated feelings about his own mortality?
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I have no real wish to live with X again, but I hope we'll always be friends. He is great fun, but there's nothing wrong with small doses! Although it was nice sharing an apartment with him for a year, he did get on my nerves once in a while! Besides, he's got his own place now and is not in danger of becoming homeless any time soon. I'm used to living by myself now and quite like it - so, no thanks!


Because X has nearly died several times he sees each day as a gift he's been given that he might not have had, so he makes sure he enjoys each day to the full. Before anyone thinks 'Oh, how noble', this often involves only doing what he 'feels like' doing, getting into all sorts of mischief, hanging around in bars, playing pool, drinking way too much, chasing girls way too young for him and generally playing up to the best of his abilities.


He does have a lot of regrets due to his illness. It wasted many of the 'best years of his life' being sick so much and he has quite a few complications which are no fun at all. He'll probably never have children. But, he certainly does love life! He has a ready laugh. He's always up for fun. I have said above about how he would love to be able to be uploaded into an 'immortal' robot or computer or something, and is hoping the technology will be available in his life time. However, I believe he liked that idea even before he got sick and it's a fashionable notion in sci-fi geek circles, so it's probably (mostly) unrelated to his 'brushes with death.'
 
SkyeSpitfire said:
And I am deeply curious to find out what that is! How do I...?
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There are various ways you can find out about past lives. You can go to a professional regressionist. This is not cheap (something like $100 - $200 per session depending). You can try using CDs which many people have had success with, or you can try using various meditation and self-hypnosis techniques. Have a look in the FAQ section of the forum where there is a lot of information about these things.
 
"...my apple tree, my brightness, it's time we were together
For I smell of the Earth, and I'm worn by the weather..."
"... crying out into the world, with tears both hot and wild

For I long for the boy that I loved as a child..."

"...I still will be your shelter, through rain, wind and storm
For with you in your cold grave I cannot sleep warm..."


[Note spring equinox]
 
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This is the level of love to which I aspire. This is the level of outward shining love that I feel toward X. This is what I have learned from a great deal of trial and tribulation. This is what we are doing. This is what I know. Right or wrong. Body and soul. Wise or unwise. It just is what it is.


This is what outward shining love feels like. I know that old familiar feeling. It's love. My life is so very full of love at this time and it's only a little bit about being friends with X again after a year and a half or so of pouting and childishness. (Lucky me).


I'm finding it difficult to explain what I'm trying to say. It involves trying to untangle my emotions towards X, my 'brother' D, and the potential new beau, 'NB'. I will think about it and write something more considered tomorrow. Meanwhile, this song ...

 
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BriarRose said:
... You sound a lot like a widow. After my father died, my mother enshrined him in her mind for a time, even his faults. I suppose in a way, you are X's widow, if you take all your past history into account..
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Yes. I do feel like a widow. Although he is alive and well. (Hurrah!) and I know it's silly....


I am still 'stretched on his grave', just like I was in Germany, many long years ago. I'm aware that this is unhealthy and should stop, but I live in 'dread' (almost daily) that something terrible will happen. X is having a minor health scare at the moment. No doubt it will turn out to be nothing to worry about, but still these things freak me out a bit. Even though I usually think I'm on top of it, I'm not really.
 
Those fears about the loss of someone we love is normal - you know that. Every time I send my husband out the door, I say "Be safe". It's like a mantra. When he's been off work for a few days, and I really, really, like him, I say, "Do you promise to come back? Otherwise you can't go!" I'm sorry X isn't feeling well. It doesn't matter if you are "together" or not - he's alive, and breathing, and you love him. We all try to be emotionally "healthy", but how much sense does that really make? We feel what we feel -it can't be changed. X is "durable" - he always bounces back. Good thoughts are going out to both of you!
 
My feelings have settled down at last. I made the decision vis a vis which 'suitor' and went for NB. It is a good decision and one I took some time over. I'm feeling great about it and not conflicted about my feelings for X (so much) at present which is marvellous. I think I was feeling funny about feeling 'love' for another person; that this was somehow being 'untrue' to X. But I've been working through it a lot the last little while. X is alive and I'm not standing on some seaswept hilltop or little Japanese mountain garden, or whatever, filled with regrets. We're friends. I've no regrets. There is no dishonour in any of our dealings (well, mine at least). He's a bit 'lovelorn' at the moment, but he's OK. He'll get over it (eventually). He's a big boy. He's immortal (I know, even if he doesn't).


He's living his life and I'm living mine and that's a really great thing. Perhaps when I come to terms with my feelings for him it will help him come to terms with whatever-it-is going on with him and Y, so that's a good thing too, since he's such a copy cat. It's a wonderful insight. It truly is.


Love is infinite. There's no danger of it ever running out. I will always love him no matter what, so there is no end to it. I know we'll always be friends. But yet,


Thank you BriarRose and, of course, Tinkerman (and various others - you know who you are). All of your thoughts and comments have helped me to find greater insight. That's ultimately what we are here for. To live. To laugh. To cry. To love.


Namaste.
 
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There will always be this. Its not going anywhere ... but that's a good thing. :)

 
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X came over for Christmas Day, unusually, but rather marvellously. He came, he held court, he drank too much, he showed off, he was delightful, then he ran off to the next party. It was nice (really it was) and I was so glad he came. It was a very good party, even for me, and X 'gracing' us with his presence was the 'cherry on the cake' (for me anyway).

I haven't been keeping up with him so much lately though, since I've been seeing my 'new beau'. But I saw him walking down the street the other day as I rode by on my scooter (as you do) and had 'pangs' (as you do)...

But it was not of longing or remorse or regret or sadness or anything like that. It was 'fondness' if anything. He's done something new and wonderful with his hair (he's cut off his curls again - but still as cool and groovy as ever of course) ...


I'm just glad he's alive and is happy. I really am. It's an exultant feeling. It's such a very liberating, strange and wonderful feeling all at once. Hard to describe. Bitter / sweet, but mostly sweet... Like this song that brought it back to me tonight... whistful (is that the word?). This is one thousand times better than feeling 'tormented' for sure! Believe me. But, like an old scar, I can't help but run my finger over it and remember the pain and .... remember how it happened at the same time as be glad it's healing.


 
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tanguerra said:
Maybe we're just two naughty sprites playing around to amuse ourselves and relieve the boredom of eternity? I don't begin to know for sure. I know that in this life I wished and wished and wished for him, then one day, when I thought I couldn't bear it any more (and he was in the middle of the biggest crisis of his life) blam! there he was and nothing was ever the same again. :) ...


Certainly he has been a profound influence on me time and time again (not just this life) as no doubt I have been on him. The world would be a very dull and empty place to me without him in it.
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Let's all just hope he'll be ok. (He usually is).
 
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